“In Cassie I Trust”…Too Often.

5 02 2011

Writing is difficult.

In order to be an effective writer, you have to be transparent. Authentic. True. Open. Brutally honest.

I’ve now had my blog here for a little over a year, but I’m still constantly surprised by how many people read it. And by the many adults and kids alike who quote me to myself. It’s an odd thing to know that people get this glimpse into my brain. And it’s sometimes disconcerting to know that my feelings are splashed out there, for all to read.

But, I do believe that God has not called us to live life in the shadows, but out in the light. The world would be a much different place if we all actually shared what we were thinking and feeling.

So, in the spirit of transparent, brutal honesty, I write this post today. Picture me unscrewing the top of my head and letting you take a peek at the frothy, swirling mass inside my brain.

I was reading something by C.S. Lewis yesterday, and it really spoke to me:

“Your real, new self (which is Christ’s and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him.

Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making.

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.

The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self.

Lose your life and you will save it.

Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life.

Keep back nothing.

Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead.

Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay.

But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”

Lewis wrote these words in Mere Christianity just for me, I’m pretty sure.

I’m driven, hardworking, and ambitious. I’m always looking miles ahead, constantly pondering the future and calculating where I’ll be going.

In GOD we trust...not in ourselves.

I know this seems absurd, but I actually process an entire route to a store or school in my head with lightning-fast speed as I’m starting out on the trek. That way, I can be as efficient as possible by staying in the exact lanes I’ll need to be in, in order to make all of my twists and turns without wasting a single second.

Someone once told me that I embody all the traits of a classic German girl: blonde hair, blue eyes, porcelain skin, a hardworking nature, stubbornness, and a high degree of efficiency.

The same person told me that the latter traits are also true of German cars, for what it’s worth.

It’s scarily accurate.

However, at the point I’m at in my life right now, I can’t look ahead. I can’t plan it all out and pursue it with zeal and drive. And it’s terrifying me.

I’m a planner. I want to know what lane I need to be in. I want to know exactly where to turn. I want to know how long I’ll be on the road.

And God is saying, “No. I’m driving. Sit back.”

Maybe that’s why these wise words from Lewis spoke to me yesterday: “Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in. ”

As an ambitious, driven young person, it’s oh-so-easy to look for myself. It’s a constant struggle I deal with. Often, I feel like the career I chose let everyone down. All my life, I was the “smart one”, the “talented one”, the “go-getter” who was going places–and now I’m the broke, apartment-dwelling youth leader who has no idea where she’ll be living or what she’ll be doing in a year, after Tyler finishes seminary and we move to the place that the Sem will tell us to go to.


“Look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in. ”

I know that’s true. It’s just that trusting myself is so much easier than trusting God, sometimes.

Can anyone else relate?




One response

2 03 2011

I can TOTALLY relate!


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