My List of People Who Don’t Deserve Their Driver’s Licenses.

23 02 2011

While driving today, I ran into something that I’m sure many of you can relate to:


You know, a Bean Brain Who Doesn’t Deserve His or Her Driver’s License.

My BBWDDHDL was sighted on Telegraph and Erb, a busy intersection that just so happen to have a left-turn signal that’s way too short for the amount of traffic that feebly attempts to turn left on those roads. Since I often find myself sitting at that light multiple times a day, I know all of its annoying patterns–including a frequent bad habit of not cycling through properly and missing its customary left-turn signal light every few minutes.

When this happens, cars pile up like tween girls lining up for Justin Bieber autographs.

And when I see cars piling up all around me, something inside of me snaps and turns me into a complete driving mercenary. It’s every man for himself. No mercy.

For some reason, BBWDDHDLs always seem to end up first in line for the left-turn signal, and they’re never paying attention when the light does change. Which means that by the time they drag their eyes up to the light and then process the fact that “green means GO!”, the green arrow is only on for approximately five milliseconds before changing to yellow.

Which then means that twelve cars run the yellow light, and the other ninety-eight drivers who get stuck at yet another red light grit their teeth in impatience.

Undoubtably, the rest of us have places to go…and clearly, BBWDDHDL doesn’t have anything too important going on, since he can just lolligag at the light.

In my world, you would get a one-time pass for your stupidity in not watching the lights carefully when you drive. If you screw up more than once, you’re punished by being forced to take the bus everywhere for the rest of your life.

I once saw a driver doing this--while smoking a cigarette and drinking a cup of coffee--all at the same time.

And if you live in Miami, that’s sort of like a death sentence.

(We took a bus downtown on our honeymoon in Miami a few years ago…I’m still too scarred to talk about it.)

Contemplating today’s BBWDDHDL made me ponder the many different drivers I’ve observed over the last few years, who don’t deserve their licenses, either. Here’s my list, so far:

1. People who don’t look or signal before they whip into the lane in front of you (in other words, the entire state of California)

2. People who merge onto the highway going thirty miles under the speed limit

3. People who park me into my parking spaces on a constantly recurring basis (that’s you, campus security guards, Mr. UPS and Mr. FedEx)

4. People who drive while eating tacos and hamburgers

5. People who hold Mapquest directions and maps out in front of their faces while trying to drive, without asking their passengers to read the directions for them

6. People who are looking for a particular street and slam on their breaks every single time they see a street sign

7. People over the age of 85 (with the exception of Chuck Norris, when he reaches that age)

8. People who are too busy singing along to their radio to notice that they’re going slower than everyone else around them and thus holding up traffic

9. People who unknowingly box you in on both sides for miles when you’re trying to switch over to a different lane (in other words, the entire state of Wisconsin)

10. People who drive while attempting to floss their teeth

11. People who drive while holding an open mug of coffee (hello, that’s why they invented travel cups!)

12. People who drive while putting on eye makeup (didn’t we all hear the mandatory “scare you straight” story about how the teenage girl poked her eye out with her mascara wand when we went through driver’s ed?!)

13. People who speed up to pass you and then plant themselves in front of you, putting along at a speed that’s slower than yours

14. People who tap their breaks on the highway when there are clearly no deer or other small, cuddly, and killable animals in sight

15. People who lose things off of the backs of their vehicles (I once witnessed an entire bed–mattress, wooden headboard and footboard and all–fly off of a truck and obliterate a car on the highway in California)

16. People who flick cigarette butts and other trash out of their windows

17. People who turn on their window washing sprayers while I’m sitting behind them on a nice summer day with my windows open

18. People who let more than one car out of a parking lot when fifteen thousand of us are playing by the “one at a time” rule, trying to get out of the stadium

19. People who pull up to the stop sign before you, and then wave you through (again, driver’s ed, anyone?)

20. My neighbor, who thought it appropriate to park his motorcycle in the prime parking spot right in front of our parking complex…for an entire winter.

Well, there you have it, folks. I’ll be happily driving alongside the 10% of the population who hasn’t committed one of these offenses, I hope.

The rest of you should probably stay off the road completely.




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