The 10 Commandments of Flying

5 01 2014

A few weeks ago, I jetted across the country–to be exact, from Florida to California (which one might say is a flight from the Land of Weird to the Land of Plastically-Enhanced Weird). It was upon this long flight that I typed a few notes into my iPhone about air travel.

And when I say notes, I mean basically a list of things that my fellow passengers were doing to annoy me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed a great many flights all over the world. I’ve met some fascinating people, heard some incredible tales, and learned a Wikipedia-worthy amount about various subjects by talking to my fellow flyers (though I’d prefer to forget about my gruesome conversation with an emergency room nurse from inner city Minneapolis).

However, spending a good portion of my life traveling has prompted me to be a bit of a flying expert. As you’ll see, I’ve put together the definitive list of rules one should follow when engaged in air travel.

So here you are, my friends:

The¬†10 Commandments of Flying…

1. Thou shalt not take another passenger’s arm rest, especially if thou is sitting on an aisle seat. Thou is not given an exception for sleeping, either. Thou needs to suck it up.

2. Thou shalt not apply lotion, cologne, or perfume (or anything that stinks to high heaven) before or during the flight, and thou is prohibited from wearing Clinique Happy around the rest of humanity.

3. Thou shalt not allow thy carry on bag to infringe upon my leg room, unless thou is willing to share thy pretzels and/or a napkin (if necessary) with me.

4. Thou shalt put on thy seatbelt immediately upon sitting down, not waiting and digging into my hip trying to find the loose end while I’m trying to catch a pre-flight nap.

5. Thou shalt keep thy baby’s mouth shut while flying, and thou shalt probably have an iPad and a pacifier ready to go for this very purpose–and thou shalt not be forgiven for screaming that lasts beyond 15 minutes total, even if thou has an adorable baby. And furthermore, thou shalt stop thy ornery child from kicking the back of my seat before I have to turn around and lay the smack down.

6. Thou shalt have one free pass to the lavatory during the flight if thou is sitting in a middle or window seat.1435105_89345740

7. Thou shalt not watch an overly gory, explicit, or dialogue-laden movie while in flight, but shall instead watch something that I will also enjoy watching over your shoulder.

8. Thou shalt not place thy drink too close to my seat-back tray, lest the heavens knock your drink down during turbulence and splatter my Kindle Fire instead of thou own paperback novel that looks like it got left out in the rain already.

9. Thou shalt not close thy window during take off, landing, sunrise, or sunset–unless thou is taking off from Iowa, where there is nothing interesting to see from the sky.

10. Thou shalt get thy act together and use thy God-given brain to collect thy junk before the row in front of thee is already exiting the plane. Some of us have connecting flights to catch.

Dare you break one of these commandments while flying, you better pray that God has mercy on your  sinful soul.

You also better hope that I’m not on my iPhone behind you, either…